This is How a Heart Breaks

Thursday, 05.13.2010

I got asked out the other day. It was during an elevator ride between the 15th and 20th floor. I think it probably began a lot earlier than that. Probably around the time he woke me during my 25 minute last-chance shut-eye during the bus ride from the train station to my office. Or maybe it began when I had brought a cake on board the bus and he joked if he could have a piece. But the actual asking out took place during that elevator ride; as the elevator doors were closing.

I got asked out and I must say, I was a little offended.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because I’m an elitist ice queen who only goes out with super heroes or brain surgeons or hotel heirs. I was a little offended because I thought I had made it very clear that I was NOT interested in going out with anyone. How clear? Take my entrance onto the bus: I avoid eye contact. I immediately pop on my ultra-cute red urbanears headphones and I stare out the window until I fall asleep, my mouth wide open until the bus lurches to a stop in front of my office. But two times (two times!), this guy pokes me awake.  I admit, I could behave a little bitchier to him but he’s been a pretty nice guy and he works in the same building so I felt obligated to be a little more congenial.  He asks me what kind of music I’m listening to and I straight up tell him, “emo music. I’m kind of going through some crappy love stuff right now.”

That’s a pretty big hint for “stop bothering me!” right? Please tell me it is.

Why did I go through so much trouble to not get asked out, you ask?  Am I afraid that boys have cooties? Am I wary of inter-office relationships?

Just what the heck am I doing?

Well, duh, I am in mourning.

People do post-breakup mournings in different ways. Some go “woohoo I’m single!” and slut it up. Some break out the knitting needles or stamp collection. Some pen heartbroken love ballads. Some go on shopping rampages. Some eat. Some don’t eat. For some people, you wouldn’t even have any idea they were going through a breakup.

That is not the case with me. I like wearing my (broken) heart on my sleeves. When I suffer heartache, the whole world knows it (even more so than when I’m in love…ironic, isn’t it?) I have to unleash it on my family, all my closest friends, my not so closest friends, co-workers, random strangers in bars, random strangers in malls, oh– and all you readers of this blog. (I thought I didn’t blog about relationships?) So yea, apologies to all those ears who had to hear the latest trauma of how my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach and shattered into 3 billion pieces or all the, “he/we used to do/buy/eat/wear/say/do that.”

I’m still not really blogging about relationships, just how I cope in the demise of one. I like to mourn. I like to fully soak myself in the tub of sadness, anguish and pain. I paint my nails black, I leave my tearstained eyes rimmed with drippy eye makeup, I lament, I pine.  And after days and days of this, I slowly come out reborn-a brand new woman filled with wisdom and maturity, a glow of wisdom peeking through my brown doe eyes. 

At least I’d like to think that’s what happens.

I mourn because the loss of a relationship-a good one-deserves a proper funeral.  It doesn’t matter what will happen in the future-let’s just dwell on the here and now and how he’s not freakin’ by my side.  I almost feel like if I get over it too fast, it’s like it didn’t mean anything.  I know some people who will be able to treat their relationships that way but darn tootin’ if this one is the same case for me.  And to those who tell me I’m being foolish for being so transparent with my feelings, I say phooey on them.

I say phooey and this,

“No matter how hard I keep landing, I guess I owe it to myself to fall. Because the heart wants what the heart wants and apparently mine wants a nasty bruise.”

- Samantha Who?

I understand though, that mourning and wallowing should not prevent one from moving on.  Life is still happening out there! Babies are being born! Birds are still chirping! Dreams are still coming true! And when I’m ready, I will be joining them (chirping and dreams coming true and all).

In the meantime, don’t ask me out when I’m in mourning! Unless if you’re a super hero, brain surgeon, or hotel heir. And I do still accept chocolates, sushi dinners, invitations to movie premieres and the occasional cheesy line.

I will now return to my dark corner and cry.

Toodles.

*Note: Sorry if you think I am really a mess, folks. I’m not! My writing efforts may come off a tad dramatic.

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posted by Janice | Comment: 13 | Love, Personal

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13 Comments to “This is How a Heart Breaks”

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  SinoSoul May 13, 2010 at 4:04 PM

  Life’s too short for this. Really. Go eat some foie, jump off a cliff (into a wading pool), and move on.

  If I die t’row, I’d want the Mrs. to find not-another brain surgeon to boink. Cuz boinking is way more fun than being a B***H on the train. This I know.

  Don’t forget, even black make up attract dudes, of a certain type, natch.
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  Angela May 13, 2010 at 4:04 PM

  I <3 and miss you, JJ!
  You should kick that guy in the nutsack. Or…I can do it for you.

  igyb.<3 <3
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  Janice May 13, 2010 at 4:11 PM

  @angela, OH NO NO NO! hahahaha it’s not that kind of a breakup. No one’s a bad guy here. but thanks for having my back. miss ya!
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  Jenn May 13, 2010 at 11:15 PM

  I like real people. Thanks for being honest. I got you, babe
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  ivana May 14, 2010 at 1:07 AM

  I feel like getting over someone is like driving or walking to a destination that you don’t know how far it is. You see it or the GPS tells you it’s there, but you don’t know how long it’s gonna take to get there. The best you can do is keep walking/driving. And the best way to do it is to enjoy the scenery while you’re on your way, inviting a friend to come along on your walk / allow a friend to sit in the passenger seat so you can take the carpool lane. While you’re on your way, you’ll see that you’re always making progress. Some people are bad with directions and get a bit lost, but I think that you’re in the right freeway, Janice Jann. You’re doing good. I loved riding shotgun today, thanks.
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  Evelyn May 14, 2010 at 1:19 AM

  HA, good job ivana for using a metaphor that janice is terrible at — driving. jk!
  i think i’ll let kim possible take this one:

  Call me, beep me if ya
  Wanna reach me
  When ya wanna page me it’s okay
  I just can’t wait until I hear
  My cell phone ring
  Doesn’t matter if it’s day or night
  Everything’s gonna be alright
  Whenever you need me baby
  Call me, beep me if ya
  wanna reach me

  except…. who PAGES in this century?! kim possible needs to update her gadgets. btw, if you are the “eating” type of mourner, i know just where to take you! plus i still need to get you back for niko.
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  Michael May 14, 2010 at 9:04 AM

  in man’s defense, i think picking up signals is man’s weak point.

  obvious or not, a man will be determined to do something, unless a girl wears a shirt that says “I’M NOT INTERESTED” LOL

  you go girl! as usual, see you this sunday?
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  Jessica May 14, 2010 at 11:50 AM

  oh man you are dramatic. i love you jie. and you know what.. stop it! hahaha jk. fine if you must mourn. mourn. why you gotta make it so public though?? ahahahah jk!! hey. skype tomorrow?? i wanna see abu agon, ding jie and san yi ma too!! your so lucky. i miss you a lot. i called today. around 7,8 pm your time. went straight to vm though misss you so much! cant wait till your here. whens the exact dates?
• The Media Maid - Made For the Media, Maid to The Media June 3, 2010 at 5:27 PM

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  Tiffamy June 11, 2010 at 1:40 PM

  I really want to watch this movie now Easy A! Does your sister get more face time?
• The Media Maid - Made For the Media, Maid to The Media January 1, 2011 at 5:04 AM

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  The Cupcake Princess January 5, 2011 at 5:41 PM

  Too cute! I remember when you told me this story in person you’re so funny! Miss you!
• The Media Maid - Made For the Media, Maid to The Media May 4, 2011 at 12:58 PM

  [...] You already know how my heart breaks. [...]