With All Due Respect…

Sometimes, I just want to shake God firmly on his shoulders and yell in a very loud and overly dramatic voice, “Dude, big guy, what is wrong with you? Why are you so freakin’ GOOD TO ME? Can you not see that I am not worthy? I am not deserving of all this goodness and grace? Did you forget that I am selfish? I am self-centered? I am shallow? Do you not remember when I talk behind people’s backs? When I make snide remarks to my mom just to piss her off? When I get too lazy to bring reusable bags to the grocery store? When I have a helluva hard time fighting off that little devilish voice in my head that wanders if you really exist?

And yet, you are still so good to me. Your love for me looks past all my pettiness and faults and shines through in moments I need it most – and even in moments I don’t think I do.

I am crying right now. Literally sobbing, with tears streaming down my eyeballs, onto the fingers tapping at the keyboard (at a nice consistent pace of 65 words per minute, thank you very much.) The last time I cried on my birthday, it was for very different reasons. Last time, I feeling oh-so-sorry for myself.

“Oh me, oh my,” I had sighed in my head, “I’m freaking 21 years old and what have I to show for it? Am I Miley Cyrus, international popstar before age 21? No. Am I Tiger Woods (pre-scandal), world-class athlete before age 21? No. Am I like my cousin, who reached her goal of buying her mother a first-class most expensive watch by 21? No. Am I like my own mother, lone settler to a foreign country before 21? No. I am 21 and not any of these. I then proceeded to throw myself a J-themed birthday party and got myself drunk silly. (The seven shots of vodka might have helped as well.)

This year, I am far from feeling sorry for myself. In fact, I feel sorry for my beloveds. How did they get suckered into thinking I am this awesome person that deserves all this love and attention and kind words and beautiful prayers and thoughtful gifts? Am I that good of an actress that I fooled them into thinking I am worthy of all this? Did my mom pay them to be my friends?

I really didn’t want to do anything for my birthday. Really. I wanted to eat dinner with my family, say thank you to a couple of close friends who call or write or email or text and prepare for the pageant, ending in bed, knocked out by 11. A celebration for me seemed so..unnecessary. I’ll celebrate when I actually have something to celebrate about.

But then my friends got me. They got me again. Second year in a row, I was surprised with a gathering at my abode after I return from a quiet dinner out. Orchestrated by the enchanting one and my superstar sister, friends drove from near and far to pay me a visit at the stroke of midnight and wish me a happy 23rd. For a more in-depth coverage, check out enchanting one’s blog.  In addition, I received this delicious fruit bouquet crafted by enchanting one’s magical fingers and an absolutely delightful NEWSPAPER filled with articles and letters friends wrote about me! (Read here.)

Jebeezus, when I started going through the newspaper by myself after everyone else had left, I suddenly started to uncontrollably shake. And sob. And then tears flowed down.  ”What is going on?” I thought to myself. It then hit me that this is just a physical reaction to being overwhelmed with love.  People, if you experience this, count yourself lucky.

I am so lucky. I am so blessed.  I am so happy.

Thank you

Thank you

Thank You.

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posted by Janice | Comment: 3 | Friendlies, God, Personal

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